Expectations

We've been back a week now.  what a strange week- filled with so many emotions.  At times it is hard to be back here and at times i feel like i have slipped back to normal already.  That is what really scares me the most actually.  I dont want to go back to "normal."

Before we left, our leader asked each of us to write a letter to ourselves about our expectations for the trip.  As i read it now, a week after returning home, i find my heart breaking.   March 21 I wrote:

I do not know why God is calling me to go but my expectation for this trip is that He will reveal His purpose for it.  That might mean so many different things in the end but I am keeping my heart open to what God is trying to teach me, or have me put forth during this time.  I expect that He will reveal Himself to me and I have to caution myself because i know that He speaks sometimes in the gentle whisper.  I need to be attentive and not be looking for the neon billboard that says "Jen I brought you here because..."

God did reveal Himself to me on that trip and is still trying to do so if I am just attentive.  There was something about being in Haiti, with a team of Christ-followers, worshiping God daily and the removal of the many distractions pulling me away from Him in my daily life.  I was able to just rest in Him there, to listen for His gentle whisper, to see Him in the people around me, to feel His love sitting quietly with Him.  Why is it so hard for me to sit quietly with Him at home?  Through God's grace I was able to keep my heart open to Him during this week and do you know- He did reveal His purpose to me- words can not describe that purpose though.  My heart is full of it when I think of Haiti and my time there.  When I feel it fading away I must look back at my journals and read through my memories in this blog and the memories of my team.  I will do this because on March 21 I also wrote:

I expect to be changed as anyone is from such a trip.   I have been reading a book called "Crazy Love" which talked about LIVING the way Jesus calls us to.  I do not want to be a lukewarm Christian.  i want to be changed permanently in my actions so that any light Christ puts in my heart is readily available to all others.  I want to learn to LOVE as He did- all people, those the same and those different from me, those I understand and those I do not.  To love without judgement or thinking I know any better than the next person.  I hope to exercise this kind of love and carry that on into my everyday life when I return.  

I am still learning to love and with God's grace I will continue in this hope.; hope born in Christ and fed in Haiti.  When I feel things slipping back into normal, I will remember that the Creator of the universe loved me enough to send His son to die for me and loved me enough to reveal Himself to me in Haiti.  He will still reveal Himself to me if I will only be still and listen.

Jenn