Broken - by Sara

So I'm back, back into my normal way of life I guess you could say. Grateful to be with my children, my husband, my own bed. I'm back to my normal schedule- which typically consists of driving the children to school, buying groceries, cleaning the house, playing Lego's and dinosaurs 5 hours a day, along with a few hundred other things. I'm back to my own car, back to seeing my neighbors, and listening to familiar songs on the radio. I'm back to my life - everything the same I when I left it except for one thing.... ME!

Through seeing the children, meeting new friends, hearing the story of the people of Haiti, and yes even loving watching our Ambassador team meet the people of Haiti, through the bumpy van rides, the beautiful sunrises, the Creole language, the simple yet delicious food, the precious smiles on the children as we played with beach balls, the singing of the women who cook for us, through daily working alongside the teachers and Pastor Daniel, and yes even through random moments of yoga lead by Jack with the children..... my heart broke for Haiti yet once again.

How is it possible that God can do such an ironic thing in my life? After having been to Haiti nine times one would think I would get used to children hugging me everyday or lose the sense of joy and freedom I find when singing in Haitian Creole with them. The truth is, NOTHING satisfies me more than being with, looking at, talking with, working along with the people of Haiti.

But I still have this question in my spirit- how do I fit in here? Especially when:

• I can't see, touch, hug, and play with the children I have grown to love so deeply.
• I can't talk with the women who called me friend, ... saying to me as I left  "See you later sister"...
• I can't speak Creole here or smile at someone and at least be able to say Bonjou
• I can't exclaim in church "Glory to God" without looking a little strange
• I have no mountaintops views to remind me of the sovereignty of God

How do I fit in, back into my "life" when I've been changed by God to live differently?

In time I am praying that God will give me the grace to know how to live this out. Perhaps this is what it means to "live as a foreigner" or "alien" in this world, to be in the world but not "of" it. Perhaps I and our team ought to keep this "difference" about us, to shy away from the coldness and the busyness life can throw at us here in the States. Perhaps in many ways, the people we met in Haiti and their stories they graciously shared with us were intended to do exactly what they did- to change us- to wake us up- to help us no longer fit back into "normal-cy"....

I'm still working through alot of things in my mind and in my heart. I have alot of questions, many more visions :) and a whole lot more things I want to do when I go back. One thing I know for sure today- I will never regret going to Haiti and I will never stop thanking God for the opportunity to be part of His story there- even if it means not fitting in anymore to my temporary home in the States.